Wednesday, October 31, 2012

An Open Letter to George Luca...oh wait a minute

So I was all ready to give my thoughts on the Disney/Lucasfilm merger, when I started to think about Star Wars.

I mean really think about Star Wars.

REALLY think.


So in Star Wars (Episode 4, "A New Hope", the one from 1977, whatever...) Luke Han and Chewie go and rescue Leia from the detention block on the Death Star.

And it goes tits up pretty fast and they're screwed.

And Leia's bright idea is to shoot the cover off an access shaft to a trash compactor.

And when they all get down in the compactor, a monster tries to eat Luke.

Everybody remember that?

Good. Here's my thing: how did the monster get into the trash compactor?


Yeah, you can see where this is headed right?

Let's look at the facts.

The Death Star is an artificial space station. It was BUILT. So for the trash compactor monster to be in the trash compactor, it had to have gotten there because someone wanted it to be there.


The Empire? Why? Does it eat trash? Is the trash compactor monster some kind of "green" waste reduction scheme put in place to placate Gungan demands?

Doubtful. It DID try to EAT Luke remember. Why would a waste eating scavenger try to eat the one thing that's moving in a sea of otherwise "easy pickings"?

Which leaves the only other reason I can think of: it's some kind of security protocol to prevent prison escapes. You break out of your cell, pry open the cover and slide down into a pool of waste and it eats you.

Again, doubtful. Why would the Empire have a carnivorous beast in an out of the way location when it's troops are supposed to be the best of the best and stop any escape attempt before it happens. What do they do then? Just send random Imperials down to feed it?

So then how'd it get there?

Was it there by accident?

Did somebody buy it as a pet when it was small and flush it when it got too big? Like the legendary alligators in the New York sewer system?

And if it got flushed, then who flushed it?

And that's when it hit me.  Some kid.

The Death Star is a big ass place. And it was designed as a long term space station. Guys stationed there are there for years. So maybe they have families. Ya know that stormtrooper that clunks his head on the door of the control room when they bust in and find R2 and 3PO? Maybe he's got a wife and 2.3 kids. And maybe Junior got a pet monster at some sleazy spaceport before he got shipped off to Dad's new post. And Mom flushed it when she found out. And so "Fluffy" just swam around the Death Star's sewage system eating organic trash and growing until one day this twerp in shiny white armor steps on it and it strikes.

Which is a truly terrifying idea if you think about it.

Not the twerp in armor thing, the idea of stormtroopers having kids.

Because Luke blew up the Death Star.

And everybody on board died.


Which means if stormtroopers have families then those families on the Death Star died too.

And Luke Skywalker killed them.

That's right, Luke Skywalker, Hero of the a Baby Killer.


  1. ... and Captain Kirk is a Jew.
    Your analysis would seem to be correct, assuming Stormtroopers had kids, which would mean that: they are either more competent when it came to firing their "flesh" rifles than they were with their Empire issued weapons (I mean, come on, they can hardly hit anything, and your analysis presupposes that they can hit a target A LOT smaller than your pesky wamprat or exhaust chute – which is and ever shall be, an "exit only, pal"), or not as simple-minded as we have been led to believe (if an old guy can force manipulate their minds, what do you think the older bad guy does to them, you think he WANTS more of those simpletons running about, letting teenagers blow up his stuff, ANSWER: no. He yearns for the days of the like-a-look clones, who, by their awesome military skills, got him elected Emperor).
    Ah, well, Luke Skywalker, Baby Killer is awesome. He's just the sort of hero Disney needs.

    1. Well yeah (re: Kirk)

      And it's not JUST stormtroopers. There were all sorts of guys running around the Death Star (watch Star Wars again,) you can't tell me Vader was the ONLY guy on the Death Star that ever got some...

    2. Could be that Vader was the only one getting any, I mean, nothing says "I love you" like a force choke. Funny, that Kevin Smith never touched that, in the dialogue he wrote for Randal.